YOU FIND INTERESTING STUFF WHILE GOOGLING JESUS

CATS ARE FUNNY CREATURES

A LETTER FROM ERIC VOLZ, A PRISONER IN NICARAGUA

To learn more about Eric's situation, click here. In the following letter, Eric describes the conditions he lives in while in prison. Please, please pray for him. Pray for his release. Pray for mercy. Pray for an end to this tragic story...

This was written more than two months ago [but just released to the public]...

Prison Conditions

Friends,

This seems to be a topic of great interest to most people. Almost every letter says something like, "I can't imagine what it's like in that prison." I will share what I can, but I also need people to know that it is a very delicate and sensitive situation.

I will start by saying that the conditions here are really shitty!! The authorities lack sufficient resources and subsequently face a wide variety of problems and we, the prisoners, pay the price.

We have had no water pressure from the artesian wells for about 10 days. Water is brought in by buckets filled in the yard from hose faucets. There are less than 10 slow faucets to provide water for over 2,500 inmates. Do the math and shake your head in disbelief as I am. The water shortage has been caused by the well pump burning up due to power outages (an issue in and of itself). The authorities have informed us that the pump should be repaired in the next couple of days, but in the meantime it isn't pretty.

No one gets good sleep here. The noise is traumatic. Its like being in an industrial factory with metal doors slamming, 5 or more different kinds of music at full blast at the same time, and crazy inmates screaming at 4:30am just to be jerks and wake people up. At times it drives you nuts. I have been driven to the point where I have to sit down in my cell, cover my ears, and focus on my breathing just to keep it together.

There is also the heat which makes you constantly sweaty and sticky. I fall asleep and wake up in pools of sweat. Most prisoners have insomnia and can't sleep without pills. I have resisted the temptation.

The food is not enough. The prison provides a cup of beans, a cup of rice, coffee, sometimes green bananas or a small bread bun. The food comes at lunch and sometimes again in the afternoon. It is not uncommon to find cockroaches and fingernails in the rice. My eating schedule has been very abnormal and extremely stressful on my body. When the courts delayed my appeal I got really sick. I spent two weeks in bed. Yesterday the doctor diagnosed me with gastritis and intestinal parasites for which I'm taking meds. My whole abdominal area aches - it's freaky being ill like this in prison.

I experience tension with many prisoners here. The Nicaraguan press has created an image of me as a privileged gringo from the elite who thought he was above the law and could get out by paying bribes, which of course is not true. Many make reference to Doris' mother's absurd allegation that I offered her $1 million to drop the charges - which again is not true.

In addition, the majority of the prison population has a very negative image of the US and associates me accordingly. My cell is referred to as the US Embassy and prisoners joke by coming to the door asking for a Visa. I can't help but laugh. The other day I was being escorted down the hall and a kid shouted from his gallery door, "Hey Bush!" It wasn't a directly negative comment to me, but it speaks to the underlying story of our unfortunate reputation in the international consciousness. I walked on thinking, "If only he knew that he's got me all wrong. I am more than a gringo. If only he knew that my grandparents were Mexican and their first language was Spanish. If only he knew that I'm proud of my Latino heritage and I love his country. If only he knew so many other things . . . maybe he would have said, 'What's up, bro!' instead."

Encounters like this happen frequently and I'm aware that most of the people who surround me here don't understand me; or likely will they ever. There will always be tension. I have learned the only way to stay out of trouble is become completely independent.

My cell has become my castle. In it I study, read, write, stretch and rest. I have decided that I don't have time for anything else. A rumor going around is that I read each of my books six times before I move on to the next - where do these guys come up with this stuff?

Another related question I'm asked is about the danger in my present situation. I will say that all prisons are dangerous. I would be lying if I said that the relevance of my case has not generated enemies; it has. The warden is concerned for my safety and has made certain exceptions with the security regiment that reflect that. I will say that I am as safe as I can be in the given situation - but there is no guarantee.

I have come to terms with my reality and feel it is reasonable for everyone to prepare for the worst. I know that is heavy, trust me I can't believe I'm actually writing it, but it is an accurate reflection of my situation. I share this because people want to know what I'm going through and I want to be honest. I don't want to be an alarmist, nor do I want people to dwell in fear for me. I believe I will be okay no matter what because I know myself and I know who my God is, and because of that no one can touch me. No matter what, I walk away victorious.

With love,

Eric V.

JASON BOYETT: A 'RELEVANT' BLOGGER

My friend and fellow writer Jason Boyett has just become a part of Relevant Magazine's new blogger section! Jason has contributed to Relevant's content for quite some time now; he's written books, wrote articles, and even helped mold and manage the media group's vision. If you get a chance, check out his books and blog!

AS SEEN ON THE TODAY SHOW

If this doesn't represent what Jesus spoke about when he said that people could be salt and light in the world, I'm not sure what does. And it's not Christian .

check out Fugees Family, a community of people helping young refugees in the Atlanta area.

BOOM! THE SEX TALK...

Again, this is an excerpt from my book "What You Didn't Learn From Your Parents About Sex."

I was just seven years old when I first heard the word sex. The little three-letter word was said out loud on a TV show called The Facts of Life. Some of you aren’t familiar with this TV show. Well, unless you make a habit of watching TV Land.

When I was little, my sisters and I loved the show. But a curious thing happened on one episode. The show named The Facts of Life actually began talking about “the facts of life.” One evening, just as my father walked into the family room, Blair, played by the now-famous homeschooling mom Lisa Whelchel, uttered a sentence about sex to Tootie, played by the always delightful Kim Fields. Yes, her character name was Tootie. Hey, weird things were cool in the eighties, like spandex and Petra.
Upon hearing the “sex” sentence, my father’s jaw jutted out from the rest of his mouth, and then he yelled, “MATTHEW! Turn that garbage off immediately!”

Dad rarely stopped after one command. His angst continued. “You know, Carole,” he said, looking at my mom, who was making quiche in the kitchen, “I have a great mind to take that TV outside and put a shotgun hole right through it. I can’t believe they put junk like that on TV.”

“I wouldn’t blame you, Virgil,” said my mom, while beating eggs. “I certainly don’t need it.”

When my mother said this, my heart began racing. The thought of no TV scared my sisters and me to death.

My father had a serious love/hate relationship with our television. If it weren’t for the news, sports, and a strange connection to any movie made with Clint Eastwood in it, I truly believe my house would have been TV-less.

As I looked at my dad, with an expression that said, Please don’t shoot the TV, I realized then and there that sex was bad—really bad.

But “bad things” were nothing new. When I was seven, everything, at least everything remotely enjoyable to the human senses, was considered bad. In the church my family went to, unless a pleasure-filled action was Holy Spirit inspired, it was labeled “worldly behavior.” And, in fact, even some Holy Spirit–motivated actions were off-limits.

However, despite my father’s angst toward “sex talk” on TV, he did talk to me about sex once. And once was enough.

The time my father talked to me about sex was the longest fourteen minutes of my twelve-year-old life. After those fourteen minutes were over, sex was no longer just bad; it was now awkward, too.

But such is the case with parental sex talks. Sex talks make sex awkward for a lot of us. The “talk” is one of those experiences through which most people admit to learning one thing—they never again want to experience the humiliation of hearing their father or mother use the word penis that many times in one sitting ever again.
Perhaps you know the awkwardness I’m talking about. Every time my father would say the word penis, it was like a time bomb was going off in my head. “Matthew, you have a penis.” BOOM! “Sometimes your penis . . .” BOOM! “When your penis . . .” BOOM! In fact, by minute seven, penis became the only word I could hear other than the word breasts. For some reason, a boy, even a Christian boy, can’t help but hear the word breasts.

I am certainly not the only person who was tortured by a parental sex talk. A lot of people have experienced them. The sex talks our parents put us through made most of us want to go running through the house, covering our ears, screaming “LA LA LA LA” in protest. No matter how cool and understanding parents are, engaging in sex chats with them is rarely, if ever, fun. At least not until you’re married. After that, talking sex with your parents can be moderately tolerated—only because then you can bring up your GREAT sex life in front of them. “Yeah, Dad, last night Jess and I . . .” BOOM!

I figure a little uncomfortable squirming won’t hurt them. After all, they started it.

However, I have to admit that my attitude toward my sex talk has changed. Over the years, I have learned that my father, in the way he talked to me, was actually being rather easy on me. Our conversation was just that, a simple fourteen-minute talk. There were no “how to” books or poorly drawn illustrations or foreign instruments to help my father’s sex lesson come alive in my young mind. I mean, he did use his hands once to help me visualize how the penis was made to fit into the vagina, but that was it. Umm, that was enough.

But for some kids, it wasn’t that simple. Some Christian parents use “helpful tools” to help educate their kids about sex. “HELPFUL TOOLS?” I’m not lying about this.
I have a friend whose parents, in an effort to help explain what happens during intercourse, pulled out Abraham and Sarah “Barbie” dolls. Yes. Each of them held one of the robed dolls and proceeded to move through the actions of intimacy. They didn’t stop the demonstration until both dolls were completely naked and lying next to each other on top of a pink Barbie bed.

Yeah, my friend told me the book of Genesis has never been quite the same.
“As a kid, I was never able to sing ‘Father Abraham’ in Sunday school without those darn dolls popping into my mind,” he said to me.

But wait, it gets better [or worse, depending on your perspective].

One twentysomething told me her mom used a clothespin to illustrate the penis and an empty film container to represent the vagina. I didn’t think anything about it, really; it wasn’t all that different from my father using his hands. But this girl had a different opinion. “When I was ten, the clothespin and film container really helped me visualize the act of intercourse,” she said. “It made me see how personal it was. However, when I got married, I expected my husband’s penis to be the same size as a clothespin. [Oops!] For two months, the size of his larger-than-I-had-imagined member made me cry.”

I have been surprised to learn that many parents never talk to their kids about sex. A few years ago, this topic of “parental sex talks” interested me. In an effort to see how different my experience was from that of other young adults, I polled my friends to see how many of them had experienced at least one explanatory conversation about sex with their parents. I was shocked to learn that 50 percent of my thirty or so close friends had never had a parental sex talk.

Through that little unofficial survey, I realized I was blessed that my father cared enough to talk about sex with me. In fact, my realized blessing made me decide that it was time for me to go ahead and forgive Dad for the two years I spent thinking that a woman’s sexual organ was called a fajita. Yes, a fajita. Of course, it’s not like he said the word incorrectly; I just heard it wrong. But come on, he could have made sure I had the correct pronunciation. It’s not like it was one of the “lesser known” pieces of the sexual puzzle. I get pretty embarrassed to think back at how many times I talked about “fajitas” with my friends in the locker room during those two years. Not to mention trips to Taco Bell—I got freaked out every time I saw the menu.

Although my dad did talk about sex with me, many parents do not. In all fairness, although it’s not an excuse, the sex talk is probably very awkward for Christian moms and dads, especially those who have been subject to the harshness of the church. I believe it’s safe to assume that the average conservative Christian mom doesn’t wake up one morning and think to herself, “Oh, thank you, Jesus; today I get to tell my eleven-year-old daughter all about the outer and inner workings of her vagina. I can’t wait!” And how many dads struggle making the transition from “Hey, son, did you get your fishing pole baited?” to “Speaking of baiting your pole, son, I need to chat with you about . . .”

As you can probably imagine, Christian parents have very different comfort levels when teaching sex to their kids. All of us encountered very different experiences. Some parents are very open and honest. Others are reserved. And others don’t talk about sex at all.

To be continued...

NEW SONGS FROM KENDALL PAYNE

If you've never listened to Kendall Payne, you need to. She's one of my all-time favorite singer/songwriters and also a friend. Her new album "Paper Skin" will be out in a few weeks, but she's letting us hear four new songs on her MySpace site. Click here to listen! I heard them for the first time last night, and they are amazing as always. I will keep you posted when her new album releases, but for now, go hear her new tunes!

IF APOSTLE PAUL HAD WRITTEN MY FOREWORD...

... it might have gone a little like this. From "What You Didn't Learn From Your Parents About Christianity."

Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ! Gosh, it’s been years since I wrote those words. Feels nice to have the old quill in hand again. Yes, I still write with a quill. The saints did convince Jesus to upgrade to laptop computers a few years back, but for me there’s nothing like my trusty feathered pen and inkwell.

We did finally get the Internet in heaven. It’s an edited version, of course. Timothy loves MySpace.com. He has like a bazillion friends. And Peter gets a kick out of Googling his name; he estimates he’s mentioned online over five hundred thousand times! Not bad! Of course, I don’t have the heart to tell him that my occurrences are closing in on the four million mark. I only go online to use the Bible study tools at Crosswalk.com, and I do have a rather extensive obsession for the Drudge Report. Where does that man get his “tips”? Sometimes he knows things before we do. It’s scary.

But I digress.

I’ve been asked to write a foreword to this “guidebook” for Christianity. It’s exciting for me to take part. It’s nice to know that people are still interested in what we “dead saints” have to say. That’s why I agreed to write this foreword. However, my agreement to write this little piece was on the condition that I’m given the chance to use it to dispel some of the awful rumors about me. Also, between you and me, I’m hoping to work in a little Max Lucado joke just for kicks.

So if you would be so kind as to allow me a paragraph or two to simply state my position on a few key evangelical issues, it would be rather therapeutic for me to get them off my chest. Although, on a side note, I must ask: Where did you guys get the term evangelical? It’s such a harsh, ugly word. Why do you feel the need to name yourselves? Is it a cultural thing? It’s none of my business, really; it just seems that you twenty-first-century Christians really do like naming stuff.

Back in my day, we had our hands full just living out the gospel of Jesus; we didn’t have much use for titles and terms. But then, the whole running for our lives issue kind of made the need for names pretty insignificant. Oh well, I guess it doesn’t hurt anything; it just seems to me that if you’re going to call yourselves something, it might be a little more productive to use a term that’s at least attractive to the human senses. Evangelical sounds about as fun as an appendectomy. And don’t even get me started on the term emergent.

Now, back to those rumors that have been flying around: I don’t dislike women. I do believe marriage is a beautiful part of God’s design. Predestination is not an issue worth dividing over. And my “thorn in the flesh” was not hemorrhoids. I think that pretty much covers the biggies. Many of you take everything I wrote so literally that you fail to take into account the context of my words. Context is extremely important to Scripture. Of course, whoever came up with the whole hemorrhoid theory should be handed over to you-know-who.

Seriously though, these conspiracy theories need to stop. Don’t you know that spending too much time arguing over useless ideas only takes you away from pursuing, as you call it, “evangelizing”? Oh, you foolish modern-day Christians! You need to stick to the mission—to preach Jesus and him crucified. Don’t waste time adding or taking away from God’s Word.

Wow, it feels good to be writing again. I wonder if I could talk Jesus into letting me write one more book. You guys could use some fresh material; I’ve seen what’s available in Christian bookstores. James tried starting a Purpose-Driven Life Bible study, but it just didn’t work out. However, I did skim through it, and all I’ve got to say is that it’s a good thing for Rick Warren that my letters are in public domain.

Anyway, I’m supposed to be writing a foreword. How’s this? Read this book. I think it will help you. Of course, it’s no Galatians, but you might learn a thing or two. I did. I had never heard of Blue Like Jazz until I read Matthew’s book. I tried to check it out at the library, but Bartholomew beat me to it. He says I’m going to love the story about penguin sex. We’ll see. Until next time, enjoy this book.

Grace and peace to you,

Paul

PS: Can somebody please tell Joel Osteen to call me? I want to know who does his teeth. They look great!

TOM CRUISE HADN'T BEEN IN THE NEWS LATELY...

Read why by clicking here.

HIJACKED FAITH IN AMERICA!?!

That's what Barack Obama said in a speech he gave this past weekend. Here's a quote...

NO IMPACT MAN.

This morning on Good Morning America.

No Impact Man.

This man, along with his wife and daughter, are doing an experiment to see if they can live for one year and have ZERO impact on the environment. His blog is fascinating. Check it out.

And while you're at it, check out this new book by J. Matthew Sleeth, MD called Serve God Save the Planet.

STORY

My blog will be changing some over the next few months. Oh, it will still include satire and commentary about culture and faith, but I will also be making a greater effort to tell bits and pieces of my story--through pictures, words, quotations, and more. We should tell our stories. We should scream them sometimes. Whisper them. Paint them. Rhyme them. Whatever comes natural for you, find a way to use that talent to express your story. We need to hear each other's stories.

'GREY'S ANATOMY' STAR TELLS HIS SIDE

From FoxNews.com...

KELLY CLARKSON, A POSSIBLE STORY BEHIND THE SONG 'NEVER AGAIN'

As soon as I heard Kelly Clarkson's new song "Never Again," I looked at my wife and said, "It sounds to me like, she's dating a Christian, or at least, someone who grew up in evangelicalism." Why did I think this? Well, first, there's the obvious "Sunday school answer" lyric that Kelly belts out not once, but twice; the second time telling her ex-lover to "go ahead; repent yourself away." And honestly, the entire song wreaks of Kelly lamenting a man who was insecure, unsure of his feelings for her, and maybe because the relationship wasn't perfect, feeling quite a bit of "God-induced" guilt about the way things were, i.e., maybe a physical relationship gone "too far," an addiction to substance, or just unable to make a commitment. To me, it all sounded a lot like the woes that Kerri Pomarolli and I write about in the book "How To Ruin Your Dating Life."

But at the time, it was just a thought.

But come to find out, I may have been right. According to Entertainment Weekly, that ex-lover is purported to be ex-Evanescence member David Hodges. And yep, he was born and raised in the church. I learned that firsthand when I was at CCM Magazine, and the Evanescence publicist offered me a story about the band and it's roots in faith. We were set to run with it, but the publisher made us pull it after David and Amy Beth [Evanescence's lead singer] dropped several f-bombs in an interview with EW. [Also: Go here to listen to David's musical response to "Never Again." Further proof of my theory, in fact.]

I could still be wrong, I know. But I, probably like many of you, have experienced enough "Sunday school answers" to know a bad evangelical dater when I see one.

And also, on a side note: The new record [My December] is growing on me. I think by the third or fourth listen, you might just be a believer too.

Happy Friday!

AGE TO AGE: WHEN I WAS १८, AMY WAS HOT

She still is. And so is the song.

THIS IS JOHN TRAVOLTA!

TOUCHY TOPIC: MASTURBATION [PG-13]

This is an excerpt from my book "What You Didn't Learn From Your Parents About Sex." It's not the entire section about the topic of masturbation, but it's about half of it. This is a pretty controversial topic among Christians... here's what I found out during my research for the book. [Oh, and the painting is by Picasso.]

Masturbation

[A section for 95 percent of men, 70 percent of women, and a bunch of liars]

It’s probably doesn’t comes as a huge surprise that one of the biggest issues in the minds [and hands] of Christians is masturbation.

People masturbate. Christians included. Are you surprised? Of course you’re not surprised. Sure, there are a few of you who have never done such an act. But certainly most have. If you’re one of those who have never masturbated, you might not be familiar with the term’s definition. I find this highly unlikely, but you never know when someone is a Christian. Being sheltered is often a major part of the “saved” territory. So don’t feel strange if you’re not aware.

First, this is how dictionary.com defines masturbation: “Excitation of one’s own or another’s genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse.” [But this section won’t focus on the “you touching another” portion of masturbation. Just the “one’s own” part.]

This topic gets chatted about a lot in the world of Christian culture. Small groups analyze it. Accountability partners pray about it. Books discuss it. Elder boards form opinions about it. Conference speakers touch on it. [Pun intended.] Friends confide in each other about it. And counselors shed light on it.

But let’s face it: When we’re alone, most of us do it [or have done it].

Let’s start things off with a brief history of masturbation.

Masturbation is indeed a popular pastime, and most historians believe that it’s been popular since the beginning.

But wait; before you get feisty and write me a hateful letter, I want to be sure you know this: I am in no way suggesting that Adam masturbated. He may have. But I have NO way of knowing. And you don’t either, really. But despite not knowing whether the first man and woman took matters into their own hands, some people believe history does imply that the M-word has been an issue from the beginning. It might be helpful to discuss what history we do think we know, or at least what somebody thinks he knows:

•From the beginning? Apparently the Central African Bonobo chimpanzees masturbate. I didn’t know this, but they share 98.4 percent of our human DNA. [Wow. That 1.6 percent must really make a difference.] According to evolutionists, this supposedly provides some confirmation that masturbation has been practiced since the beginning of time. Perhaps now I understand why scientists call it the BIG BANG theory, but I wouldn’t quote me on that.

•Those crazy BC Egyptians celebrated masturbation as the process by which their sun god, Atum, created the Egyptian equivalents to Adam and Eve. I had never heard this before, but apparently their names were Shu and Tefnut. There’s even a quote: “With [his hand], Atun masturbated and brought forth the first pair of souls.” [Oh yeah, and there’s a scary etching, too—I didn’t need to see that.]

•You’re not ready for this one! Ladies, you might want to close your eyes as you read this. The Sumerians, who invented the first written Western language, suggest a masturbation habit was a proud quality of their Mesopotamian god, Enki. [Would you follow any god named Enki? I don’t know about you, but to me it sounds like sushi. “I would like to order the ENKI, please!”]. Legend has it, and this is where it gets gross, this great god’s ejaculation filled the Tigris River. Yeah. Sick.

•Fast-forward a few thousand years. In the 1700s and 1800s, masturbation began being associated with mental and physical deficiencies. This might explain Walt Whitman. It’s estimated that up to 60 percent of mental and physical illnesses were blamed on masturbation.

•Yeah, so the fear of masturbation became so great that the “Cereal Guru” John Harvey Kellogg proclaimed that sex, for any reason other than reproduction, was “sexual excess.” Okay, so let me get this straight: People actually took sex advice from the guy who invented Corn Flakes and Frosted Mini-Wheats? Seems like a grrrrRREEEEAAT plan to me.

Unfortunately, a lot [certainly not all] of the eighteenth- and nineteenth-century thinking perpetuated from Christians or “the religious.” I know; you, like me, are completely shocked that Christians would do such a thing! But sadly, it’s true. Many God-followers have long tried to impose their staunch feelings about this controversial topic onto the lives of humanity. However, the medical community didn’t help matters much either. In the early twentieth century, some doctors invented devices—yes, devices—to help men and women refrain from masturbating. These devices had names like The Cage, Dr. Moodie’s Aparatus for Boys, Sexual Armor, and The Spike-Lined Device.

And I thought cold showers were bad.

Thankfully, religious and medical communities have learned a thing or two from our old mistakes and theories. But even some of today’s Christians make a huge fuss about masturbation. You don’t believe me? Just do a Google search on the topic. It’s actually uncanny how much time Christians invest in talking about, debating, worrying about, and “curing” masturbation. I guess I have no room to talk; I’ve spent the better part of a month researching it. But at least you won’t have to! By the amount of information, questions, and fears [from both men and women] displayed online, you might think the only thing some Christians do is masturbate, feel horribly guilty about it, start a forum online about their feelings, get some advice from other strugglers, and then masturbate again. [If you think I’m exaggerating, check out Crosswalk.com’s “men only” forum.]

It really has been quite educational for me to read about people’s thoughts regarding this ancient habit. Of course, I knew people had questions and worries; I’ve certainly had a few of my own along the way.

But I believe there’s a silver lining that comes with all of this talking; it implies that people are beginning to feel more comfortable discussing the topic. And in my opinion, that’s a very good thing. However, I think the good greatly depends on where their information is coming from. Because today, the Christian views about “self-relieving sexual tension” are all across the board.

Almost all the contemporary views differ greatly from those our Founding Fathers might have believed. Today’s views of masturbation range from adamant opposition [but thankfully without the use of “devices”] to calling it “a gift that a loving and gracious God has given.” And because of the Internet, everybody’s views and perspectives get equal play [or at least are heard]—from professional counselors and journalists to bloggers and pastors. Consider these current Christian ideals about masturbation.

•The “You’re Digging a Big Ole Ditch” Theory. “Basically, you should not masturbate or look or think about your male body because of how highly reinforcing masturbation is.” That’s what Jayson Graves, Christian psychotherapist (www.healingforthesoul.org), thinks about the topic. Mr. Graves, who works every day with those suffering from sexual addiction, believes that every time men masturbate, they are conditioning—or hard-wiring—their brains for addiction. He wrote this statement in an article called “Sex and the Brain”: “Imagine if you were to dig a ditch between the street and sidewalk from your driveway down to the store on the corner. Every day you walk in that ditch to buy the morning paper and over time that ditch gets deeper and wider to the point where even if you wanted to walk on the street or sidewalk, because of the erosion, there would be a tendency to fall back into the ditch. THIS IS THE ADDICTION.”

•Blogging Bonnie’s Theory [this one even comes with a new term!]. Sometimes those who post comments and opinions about masturbation online come up with new terms or ideas to describe the act. Over the years, I’ve heard Christians use nonslang terms like “solo sex” and “self-sex.” One guy, a well-loved Christian radio personality, believed masturbation was a form of homosexuality [because you’re “having sex with the same sex”—you.] But Bonnie, a blogging mother of three from New York with a website at TakeANumberPlease blog, calls masturbation something I had never heard before: autoerotism. [Sounds like a really strange act involving a car.] Her view is this: “Can it truthfully be said that autoerotism brings one closer to God, or, at the very least, does not separate one from God, if it indeed represents a use of sex for which it was not designed?” In her post about autoerotism, Bonnie also includes a little angst toward Dr. James Dobson’s point of view. “I have read James Dobson’s thoughts on the subject,” writes Bonnie. “[I] find them surprising and disappointing. It is odd that someone so hard-line on other issues of sexual morality can simply brush this one aside.”

•Doc’s Theory. Speaking of Dr. Dobson, his view at www.family.org is outlined in the form of a response to a parent’s concern that her thirteen-year-old is doing the “deed.” After a long pontification about the “four concerning circumstances” surrounding stimulating oneself—which include overwhelming guilt, extreme obsessive masturbatory behavior, addiction to pornographic material, and the effects it can have on a healthy sexual lifestyle within marriage—Dr. Dobson gets personal. Well, at least for him, this is personal: “My mother and father discussed this subject with me. We were riding in the car, and my dad said, ‘Jim, when I was a boy, I worried so much about masturbation. It really became a scary thing for me because I thought God was condemning me for what I couldn’t help. So I’m telling you now that I hope you don’t feel the need to engage in this act when you reach the teen years, but if you do, you shouldn’t be too concerned about it. I don’t believe it has much to do with your relationship with God.’ What a kind thing my father did for me that night in the car.” What a kind thing Dr. Dobson would do for a lot of kids and adults if he told that story every day on his radio program. Well, maybe not every day, but at least once a month.

•The “Rise and Shine and Give God the Glory” Theory. While I was an editor at CCM Magazine, Youth Worker Journal, a then-sister magazine to CCM, I ran a controversial op-ed piece about masturbation. It caused quite a stir among youth ministries across the country. Some praised the piece’s frank, honest, and open-minded view. Others responded, calling it “rubbish.” Dr. Dale Kaufman, a youth ministry veteran and author of “Is Masturbation a Sin?,” wrote this in the feature: “Is it possible to masturbate without straying into sinful thoughts? The answer is yes; for God, in designing the human body, has given it the ability to respond to physical stimuli without the necessity of embracing sinful thought. And it’s all right to enjoy the pleasurable feelings that accompany the activity.” But he didn’t stop there. He went on to say this: “And if the thought life is kept under control, the act becomes an experience of blessing from the Lord, rather than a shameful one. The sin [comes] in abusing a gift that a loving and gracious God has given.” And he might have gotten away with his controversial point of view had he not gone here: “After [Johnny (a kid Dr. Kauffman referenced throughout the feature)] heard about the boundaries [of masturbation] written in Scriptures and realized that God wasn’t going to condemn him for what he had done, Johnny began to come to a new understanding of how God wanted him to use the act of masturbation to bring glory to [him]. Johnny was amazed that he could thank God for the pleasure he was experiencing, and how such a focus of keeping his eyes on Jesus and keeping his thought life under control—while at the same time enjoying the sensations and giving God the praise—would be a tremendous help to him and would alleviate the false guilt he had been experiencing.” Yeah, so the whole “praising God” part didn’t go over too well. But it did get people thinking.

Okay, so maybe you’re wondering why I’m sharing four very distinct views. I did this because I think it’s important for you to know what faith-based views do exist today. And there are certainly more opinions—hundreds more—but I believe most other Christian opinions could simply become subpoints under these four that I mention.

But from my research—what I have read online, the surveys I received back from individuals, and my conversations with friends and counselors, one thing becomes quite clear about masturbation and how it relates to Christians: Twentysomethings and thirtysomethings--every age group, really--struggle with knowing what they should believe to be true.

Here’s what we know:

Most do it.

Some feel guilty about it.

Some don’t.

Such a strange predicament this issue puts so many people in.


[Now, what do you think about it? Write and tell me!]

MICROSOFT SURFACE: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PARODY?

I GUESS IT'S TIME TO LET YOU KNOW...

Publishing is an interesting industry. To be honest, I am never quite sure what to expect. That can be frustrating at times. Like so many writers, I certainly have had my share of ups and downs working in this world.

For one, the financial side of things can be a roller coaster ride at times. While I've been lucky enough to land quite a few book deals with many different publishers, because I've never had a "slam dunk" book, as it relates to sales numbers [The Christian Culture Survival Guide is still my best selling book, with Coffeehouse Gospel just a couple of thousand behind it], making this "career" work financially can sometimes be a challenge. Thankfully, I'm blessed to have a wife who believes in what I do and is willing to ride the roller coaster along with me.

That said, last Tuesday I received word from my publisher Tyndale House Publishers that they weren't going to publish "Jesus Needs New PR." Gosh, that was a hard blow to take. I mean, I've been working with my editors at Tyndale for 16 months on this book. And while the team of people who signed me on love the book, and believe in its potential, the publisher thinks the book it too controversial for the Tyndale House roster.

Though it was a pretty big deal, it wasn't necessarily a huge surprise, I suppose. I didn't think it was going to happen, but I did know it was a possibility. This book is by far the most provocative book about Jesus I've ever written. The humor and the opinions and the stories I share are not exactly popular in the Christian book marketplace, as well as, the evangelical world at large. The group of people who made the final decision, for the most part, agree with what the book talks about, but think the humor and the provocative nature of the satire, was not a good fit for them.

I have no hard feelings toward Tyndale. In fact, I believe the book is better because of its time spent there. Tyndale, and specifically my editor Ken Peterson, pushed me to write the best book I could. He refused to let me get away with shoddy story telling or humor that bordered on "trying too hard"; that's not to say the book is perfect--it's not--but it is better because the folks at Tyndale are excellent at what they do.

So now, Jessica and I are praying about what happens next with "Jesus Needs New PR." That sounds so cliche, but alas, it's true. Both of us believe in this book. We both sacrificed time and energy for this book. And we think that a lot of people will find a good deal of hope in this book.

But we also refuse to let it be turned into something "Christiany," a book that's already been written about a 1000 times over. We're not sure to what extent God is involved in the "Christian Publishing" world; in other words, we don't know if it's necessarily a priority of his to make sure my 16 months of hard work pays off in the form of a publishing deal.

Yet that's not going to stop us from hoping that there's indeed a home for this book in the CBA or ABA marketplace. So, if you think about it; say a pray that we'll know what to do... And I'll certainly keep everyone posted as to what occurs in the next few weeks...

As always, thank you again for your continued support of what I do and for your kind emails of encouragement.

best, mpt

MatthewPaulTurner@gmail.com

DID YOU KNOW?

Church steeples were mostly an English innovation, modeled after the Gothic spires of France, Switzerland, and Germany. However, they didn’t become truly popular until 1666 when the Great Fire in London happened. Also worth noting, the steeple was the only English architectural trait that early American settlers included in the design of New World churches.

POLITICS AND THE BIBLE: THE BEST OF...

The Old Testament is filled with some crazy stories; here are the "best of" awards, as mentioned in "What You Didn't Learn From Your Parents About Politics"!

Enjoy!


1) Winner of...
Best scandal involving a wife

Who and what?
Abraham telling leaders of a city that Sarah [his wife] was his sister।

Why on the list?
Because the king of the city ended up taking Sarah to be his wife.

What Bill Clinton might say
“I never had sexual relations with my sister।"


2) Winner of...
Best scandal involving the color red

Who and what?
Rahab helping save Israelite spies from Jericho destruction.

Why on the list?
Because Rahab was a prostitute.

What Bill Clinton might say
“A prostitute, huh?”


3) Winner of...
Best scandal involving a prophet

Who and what?
Elijah predicts that King Ahab and Queen Jezebel will die and their bodies will be eaten by dogs.

Why on the list?
Because according to Scripture, it happened.

What Bill Clinton might say
“I just thank the good Lord that Elijah wasn’t around during my presidency. Dog bites suck.”


4) Winner of...
Best scandal involving nudity

Who and what?
David’s affair with Bathsheba.

Why on the list?
He ended up having her husband killed in battle.

What Bill Clinton might say
“I did not have sexual relations with that Bathsheba.”


5) Winner of...
Best scandal involving lions

Who and what?
King Darius throwing Daniel in the lions’ den.

Why on the list?
The lions didn’t kill Daniel.

What Bill Clinton might say
“I like this story. Those conservative right-winged lions didn’t eat me, either. Well, they nibbled, but that’s it.”


6) Winner of...
Best scandal involving foreskin

Who and what?
David’s gift of two hundred Philistine foreskins to Saul.

Why on the list?
The fact that foreskins were a gift.

What Bill Clinton might say
“Hmm, I do know a few uncircumcised Republicans. But don’t ask me how.”

THE POPE WANTS TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DRIVE!

This just in from the VATICAN!

Thank you, papa!

HAPPY NEWS!

From various news sources online:

-7 out of every 10 Americans think the economy is 'getting worse' [That one is SO last year!]

-Michael Bloomberg says, 'America is in Trouble' [Hillary said that last week, the Pope has implied that, and my friend Larry who works at Kroger has been preaching that to me since 1998.]

-The world will end in 2060, according to Newton! [Evangelicals are hopeful.]

-According to ABC, Democratic candidates are 'moving left' [For most of the candidates, this might be true. But John Edwards says, "Oh, gosh no! I've just been listening to Beyonce on my iPod."]

-Elisabeth on Rosie: We Aren't Friendly [This is shocking!!!! OK, not so much. Everybody knows that Rosie and Elisabeth are about as compatible as Lindsay Lohan and sobriety. Maybe less so.]

That's concludes this edition of "Happy News"!

BECOME A MONK FOR A DAY!

Excerpted from "What You Didn't Learn From Your Parents About Christianity"!

Let’s pretend for a moment that you have nothing to do today! Well, just in case you get really bored and can’t think of anything better to do, why don’t you become a monk for a day? You can be just like Martin Luther! If you want to, you can dress up and everything! Of course, considering that you’d be doing it only for a twenty-four-hour time period and not until you die, the whole “true monk experience” might get a little lost in translation. But who cares? Try it anyway. Oh, it will be fun. In fact, you should get your entire small group to do it with you! Here’s how it works:
• Sell all of your possessions and move into a monastery! [Of course, since you’re only doing this for one day and you don’t have access to a monastery, just empty out one room in your house and then enter it। If you want, you can keep two candles for reading!]
• 4:00 a.m.: Here’s where your day begins! Go to church!
• 5:00 a.m.: Go back to your room to pray and read!
• 6:00 a.m.: Time for more church! And after church, eat breakfast.
• 7:00 a.m.: Do some work [Go rake the leaves, wash the car, and do whatever else you can finish in one hour!]
• 8:00 a.m.: It’s back to church for you! [This monk life is fun, huh?]
• 9:15 a.m.: Work again. [Go wash the dishes, vacuum the living room, and dust the entire house.]
• 11:45 a.m.: Church—again.
• 12:00 p.m.: Lunchtime.
• 1:00 p.m.: Yes! It’s time to go back to your room to read and pray!
• 1:45–3:00 p.m.: This is your free time! You can sleep and/or continue reading religious material. [But no watching soap operas or playing video games. Those activities would be non-monklike!]
• 3:00 p.m.: Get up and do some more work! [If you can’t think of anything else, go clean your neighbor’s house or cut some old lady’s lawn.]
• 5:45 p.m.: Eat dinner!
• 6:00 p.m.: Church time! Now, aren’t you proud of yourself for going to church so much in one day? Oops, I gotcha! Pride is SINFUL!
• Make sure you’re back by 7:15 p.m., because I wouldn’t want you to miss another prayer-and-reading time!
• 8:00 p.m.: Go to bed!
• 1:45 a.m.: Wake up and go to church! [No, I’m not kidding! Get up. Go to church. Monks during Martin Luther’s time were animals about their faith!]
• 3:30 a.m.: Sleep again for thirty minutes and then get up and, umm, you know—go to church!

Hey, it's all in good fun, and if you get your small group to join in with you, I bet they will think you're pretty cool. Or they might tell you to go to hell [which I hear is just like the DMV].

Have a happy day!

MY WIFE LOVES ME

Click here if you want to see Jessica's blog!

KELLY CLARKSON'S 'DECEMBER' HITS THE WEB EARLY

I loved Kelly Clarkson's last record. My wife and I played that CD until it skipped like a schoolgirl on the playground. As you might have heard, Kelly's much anticipated follow-up to "Breakaway" was dropped to the Internet late last week. I accidentally stumbled upon the entire record last night [of course, I'm going to buy it come next Tuesday]. But here are my thoughts after listening to it once. Like expected "My December" is musically darker, heavier, and will probably not be as radio friendly as its predecessor. But still, I think it's a decent record. A couple of the ballads are killer--"Sober" being my favorite. Kelly's turn to the harder side works in most spots, but one definitely gets the feeling she's a little out of her league in places, too. I think that's mostly evident in the lyrics, some of her sentiments being a bit shallow. Her voice is still unreal; though some will probably criticize her raspier tone on December, there's little denying the girl can sing her butt off. The record hits stores on June 26; it will be interesting to see how it does the first week.

Twenty-Six Things You Probably Need to Do Before You Leave for College

From Everything You Need To Know Before College!

1. Go visit your college. It’s rare that one attends a college without ever having visited it. What if the school simply had a good photographer? What if the campus smells? What if the janitors don’t do good work? Attending a college you’ve never visited is kind of like being in love with a woman you’ve seen only in the movies. It’s like I once felt about Angelina Jolie. In some instances, for those of you who are moving as far away from your hometown as you can get, visiting your college may be impossible. But if it’s an option, it’s always a good one.
2. Register for classes. Some colleges offer early registration times during the summer. I highly recommend you take advantage of this if it’s available at your school. Also, most colleges offer online registration. Either way, register for classes as early in the summer as possible. Trust me; you want to beat the rush. Icky feelings prevail in long registration lines. Plus, if you beat the rush, you choose the schedule you want. If, on the other hand, you wait until the last minute, I guarantee you’ll be stuck with the dreaded 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. classes. I recommend you call your university and try to get in touch with your advisor (every student has one). He or she can help you figure out the best schedule for you.
3. Double-check the status of your scholarships, grants, and loans. Quadruple-check the status, as it will make you feel better. Loan officers are about as accurate as the local weatherman. Sure, you believed the guy when he told you last month that everything was prepped and ready to go, but who’s it going to hurt if you call again? And when you do, tell Henry at the loan office to e-mail you all the necessary information right away. If all ends up kaput when you’re standing in the financial aid line, having all of the documents with you in writing will make you feel better and will make the uninterested loan office employees feel more obliged to help you. In fact, it pretty much makes you the man. Unless you’re a woman. Then it makes you a mean-spirited soul in need of salvation. I’m not sure why it works that way, but it does.
4. Purchase your plane ticket. If your parents think you’re going too darn far away from home for college, then you’re probably planning on flying to college. Well, begin looking for the best airline prices in June. Check out Expedia.com (they’re the ones who sing “Dot Com” with a little country flair) or Travelocity.com (they don’t have any catchy tune to help you remember) for competitive rates. But also check out Southwest.com (basically, an uncomfortable city bus with wings) and FlyI.com (I got nothing), because Southwest’s and Independence Air’s rates do not show up on Expedia and Travelocity. Also, sign up for an airline awards plan and then try to fly that airline every time you come home. You might as well try to earn a free spring break flight.
5. Ask your college about dorm room size and storage space. Ha ha ha ha . . . I don’t know why this one makes me laugh. Perhaps it’s because most dorm rooms are just a little bit bigger than a Nerds candy container. Again, if you’re not able to visit your college and see the dorm rooms for yourself, you will definitely want to find out from the housing department the size of your room and how much closet space will be available to you. Ha ha ha ha ha . . . sorry, can’t stop laughing. And whatever you do, don’t expect to like the answer. In fact, before you even pick up the phone to call, go ahead and feel frustrated and deflated. Here are some ideas of how you can fit all your stuff in:
• Buy two large under-the-bed storage containers; you’ll be able to fit all kinds of things in them—magazines, books, ex-love letters, a can opener, and two plush snowmen। Of course, other things, too.
• Get a hanging door organizer for shoes, hair supplies, and Skittles—lots of Skittles. Taste the rainbow.
• Leave the fifteen crates at home; what they have in storage capacity they lack big-time in flexibility.
• Bring seven large white socks—the largest socks you can find. Then, play a game with yourself and see if you can figure out why on earth I would suggest bringing along seven large socks.
• Buy an iPod; leave the CD collection HOME!
6. While you’re at it, ask what your dorm comes with, too. Some colleges provide Frodo-sized refrigerators and other pointless small appliances. Find out if your school is one of them.
7. Find out if the mattress in your room is long or extra-long. Yep, who knew that twin mattresses came in two different sizes? Can anyone tell me why? Oh, by the way, you’ll need this information before you purchase bedding and sheets.
8. Buy good luggage. Hopefully, someone you know who has a lot of money thought about purchasing you a good set of luggage as a graduation gift. But if not, you will want to take out a second mortgage on your parents’ home and buy some luggage. And if there’s not a huge price difference, always go with the better brand. Sturdy luggage will last you a long time. You might check sites like eBay, too.
9. Get your immunizations. Check with your college on what shots are required because in rare cases, some states’ and colleges’ expectations differ from each other. Big surprise there, huh? Also, if you’re going international, get your immunizations in early June. Depending on where you are going and what types of shots you need, some immunizations require a second visit.
10. Learn your college town’s climate if you don’t already know it. Usually the college will offer this information, but if not, you can check a town’s average temperatures, rain, and snowfall and normal heat index at Weather.com. You’ll want this information before you go shopping.
11. Check to see if your school has a dress code. Some Christian schools (and a couple Ivy League schools) require students to dress in a certain manner during classes. In fact, some Christian schools require you to dress a certain way any time you’re around “mixed” company. Be sure you know what to expect. Those of you going to state colleges or universities need not pay any attention to this item on the list. (Good for you! You now only have twenty-five things to do.)
12. Visit your doctor, dentist, and eye doctor. It’s good to get all of this medical stuff out of the way all at once while you’re still at home. You don’t want some strange doctor grabbing the intimate areas of your anatomy and asking you to cough. So get it done when you’re still at home.
13. Let’s talk meds. If you are taking any daily medications, make sure you ask your doctor to give you a prescription that will last you at least one full semester. Also, if you have special medical needs in any way, make sure the college is aware of your situation at least two months before you show up.
14. More info about prescription medications. If you’re on medication for depression, ADHD, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or any other type of psychological or mental health condition, be sure to have a copy of your written prescription in a safe place in your dorm room at all times. And keep the meds in their original bottles. This precaution is just in case your roommate gets busted on possessions charges. (If you don’t have your prescription, these kinds of meds could actually be confiscated. But that’s likely to happen only if your roommate has pot in your room. Your original container proves that the meds are legit.)
15. Check your school about its rule regarding birth control. At some Christian colleges, taking birth control is against the school policy. So for the ladies who are on a form of birth control to maintain a regular period or for any other physical reason (other than for protection against pregnancy), you will want to check with your particular school to set up the necessary arrangements in order for you to keep on your regimen. Although this is a rare situation, I promise I’m not making this up.
16. Talk to your employer about your last day of work. I’m pretty sure your employer is probably aware that you’re not planning on making a career out of being a restaurant server, merchandise salesman, or carpenter assistant. So go ahead and break the “leaving” news to him as soon as you know, and give a specific end date. Also, offer to do any extra work he may desire of you before you go. This will leave him with a good impression of you, and that means there’s a better chance that he’ll let you come back to work over school breaks and the summer holiday. But if you hate the job, by all means, avoid ever going back.
17. Let the postal service know about your change in address. Do this at least ten days before leaving so you divas won’t miss out on ELLEgirl, you jocks won’t miss out on ESPN, and you geeks won’t miss out on Wired. Of course, that change in address will also ensure that your cell phone bill, credit card statement, and all the junk mail you will ever want will get forwarded, too. Also, for all the mail that really matters, make sure you contact each vendor individually to make a permanent change to your address.
18. Get your car’s oil changed. If you’re lucky enough to have your own transportation, remind your dad that you’d like it serviced before you go away to school. Just tell him you don’t do Midas.
19. Get the book list for your classes early (if available). See your school’s website or check with your campus bookstore to find out the names of the books you will need for your first semester. Get this list as early as possible and buy as many of them as you can online at Amazon, eBay, Overstock, or half.com. This will save you tons of money because your campus bookstore will unabashedly rip you off.
20. Call your future roommate(s). Connecting with your roommate before you shack up with him or her inside that Nerds container for a year is a really good idea. On top of saying hello, find out what stuff—TV, dorm furniture, DVD player, video game equipment, and other larger dorm necessities—your roommate will be bringing with him or her. Try to get to know him or her a little bit and discover what you have in common—and what you don’t—so you can be prepared.
21. Get a list of your college’s non-approved dorm items. Some colleges allow microwave ovens in dorms; some do not. Some colleges allow candles, tea lights, and heated potpourri; some don’t. Appliances that have hot surfaces or heating elements inside, like toasters, hot plates, and coffeemakers, usually come into question, too. Before you buy any questionable appliance or load anything into your car, know what your college will and won’t allow.
22. Get an insurance card. More than likely you’ll be on your parents’ health insurance policy. Be sure your parents get your own personal card printed in case of emergencies. And if they refuse, threaten to make out with the first person you know who has mono.
23. Set up a bank account. A lot of students set up their bank accounts the week classes begin. But if you know what banks are available around your college, why not get this little inconvenience out of the way during the summer? It’s not like you’re going to have that much money in there anyway. But having a bank account will at least ensure that you will be able to get those twenty-dollar checks from Grandma cashed. You gotta love Grandma!
24. Planning on going Greek? Early application process is available at some schools. Certain sororities and fraternities offer students the chance to apply early. Check with your school’s Greek program for more information.
25. Find a church. RelevantMagazine.com, as well as other websites, allow you to look up churches in many areas across the United States. If you aren’t familiar with your college’s town, it might be to your advantage to find out information about churches that are near your school. Check out the church’s website, and try to find out about possible Bible studies, ministry opportunities, and whether the church offers transportation to and from campus.
26. Find out about local public transportation. If you’re not able to take a car to school, and if you hate the idea of riding a bicycle around campus, and if the concept of walking sixty-two miles across grounds for a 7 a।m. class makes you weary, call your college’s student services center to get all the information and costs associated with the public transportation available on or around your campus. Also, ask your university if they provide bus passes to students. Usually only state schools make this kind of offer available, but why not ask? Who’s it going to hurt? Only if the person you ask is violently against those who ask about free bus passes would I even think about worrying. So you’re golden.

Taken from Everything You Need To Know Before College.

RED AND BLUE SOUTHERN BAPTISTS?

This article suggests they may be splitting over politics.

BLAST FROM THE PAST: LANDOVER BAPTIST

Anybody remember this prank?

STUPID IDEAS TO HELP VIRGINS BE HAPPY!

Taken from What You Didn't Learn From Your Parents About Sex: A Guide To A Touchy Subject

Believe me, I know it’s sometimes quite difficult being a happy virgin. Sure, we put on our best and purest grins, but sometimes it’s impossible to be content, peaceful, happy about our chaste lifestyle. Well, here’s a week’s worth of fun ideas to help your pursuance of all things pure feel a lot more fun. However, here’s the bad news: After the seven days are up, you’re on your own.

Day one: Start a chain letter! You remember how much fun chain letters were as a kid. Well, why not start one of your own? It will be great fun! And the freedom and joy you’ll feel knowing that you are causing great annoyance in the lives of thousands will certainly be enough for you to forget your “frustrated” state of mind.

Day two: Shame a teddy bear. Take your least favorite teddy bear [any stuffed animal will work] and tell it to go sit in the corner. If it refuses to respect your wishes, pick it up and throw it in the corner! Teddy bears don’t care. But if it does talk back at you, put it on its back all day long with its arms and legs raised. That’ll teach it!

Day three: Start a Bible study group for married Christians. Once all your oversexed friends arrive, lock the front door so they can’t escape. Then torture them by reading the first six chapters of Leviticus and making them watch the 251 minutes of Return of the King. Then politely say, “That’s it; I’ll see you all here next week!” When they get home that night, you can be sure of one thing: You won’t be the only one not getting any.

Day four: Declare today random-lunge day. Whether you’re at work or at the mall or at church, everywhere you go, break out into random sets of lunges. Don’t walk to get your morning cup of coffee, lunge there. If the pastor moves you to visit the altar, lunge all the way down the aisle. You’ll feel great knowing that you’re exercising your thighs and helping to improve balance. When your friends, coworkers, or fellow worshipers ask you what you’re doing, get all excited and say, “Haven’t you heard? It’s random-lunge day!”

Day five: Spend the entire day stalking your celebrity crush. Whoever your celebrity crush is, make it your passion today to get as close to him or her as you can. Write e-mails, send letters, look up his manager’s phone number. When his assistant picks up the call, tell her you must meet with her client because you’re the virgin God created to make all of his dreams come true. Of course, don’t try this one unless you’re sane enough to stop after twenty-four hours.

Day six: Picket something meaningless today. Choose a pointless cause, be it the dishes your roommate leaves piled in the sink, the blue pleated pants your boss wears on Mondays and Thursdays, or anything Jennifer Love Hewitt. Make some signs, stand somewhere people will see you, and demand your voice be heard. Neve Campbell might send you a thank-you card.

Day seven: Visit a cheesy tourist trap and claim you’re unable to escape its evil clutches. When the authorities come to take you home, run to the back of the gift shop and hold on for dear life to the antlers of the store’s stuffed moose head. As the police try to coax you away from the moose, surrender peacefully, begin crying, and tell them that the little cactus plants and cowboy ceramics were just too enthralling to leave on your own. As you leave, wave bye-bye to all of the collectible spoons.

BONUS IDEAS:
Because I’m such a nice guy, I am giving you five more ideas. But the game plan to make them happen is all on you.

•Become Joan Osborne’s long-lost super fan for a day.
•Claim you’re the love child of a famous televangelist.
•Buy Edvard Munch’s painting "The Scream" and hang it above your bed.
•Become a Scientologist for the day! Make Tom proud.
•Call in sick, but then go to work anyway.

ADVICE FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS

Last year, I released a college book called Everything You Need To Know Before College, and since that "college" time is coming up pretty soon, I'm going to be featuring some friends of mine giving their best advice about college. First up, my friend Kevin Sparkman, a guy I met while working at CCM Magazine. Today, he works for a Christian Hip-Hop label here in Nashville. So, enjoy! And also: Buy the book for your college-bound friends; I think it's a good one. :-) If you'd like to send me your own advice [please keep it to under 4 minutes], do it! And I'll post it here at the site.

MY NEXT BOOK!

Well, this is my last scheduled book with NavPress. It's slated to release on September 1. If anybody would like a FREE pre-release PDF version of the book to review on their blog or website, let me know! I'll make sure you get on the list. I co-wrote this book with Kerri Pomarolli. Also, if you're interested in pre-ordering the book from Amazon.com, click here!

EVANGELICAL SINGLES HAVE SEX?

I was shocked. Not really. In a new book, author and researcher Mark Regnerus writes about Faith and Religion's impact on whether or not a young adult is willing to "put out."

From Slate.com:

Evangelical teens today are much less sheltered than their parents were; they watch the same TV and listen to the same music as everyone else, which causes a "cultural collision," according to Regnerus. "Be in the world, but not of it," is the standard Christian formula for how to engage with mainstream culture. But in a world hypersaturated with information, this is difficult for tech-savvy teenagers to pull off. There are no specific instructions in the Bible on how to avoid a Beyoncé video or Scarlett Johansson's lips calling to you from YouTube, not to mention the ubiquitous porn sites. For evangelicals, sex is a "symbolic boundary" marking a good Christian from a bad one, but in reality, the kids are always "sneaking across enemy lines," Regnerus argues.

When I wrote What You Didn't Learn From Your Parents About Sex, my non-scientific survey concluded that unmarried Christians were very sexually active, but with only one difference: they felt a lot more guilty afterward.

Sad.

People need more freedom.

REST IN PEACE, RUTH GRAHAM--THANK YOU...

KATHY GRIFFIN SLAMS AMERICA'S ADDICTION TO JESUS

According to Townhall.com:

In a recent interview with the British gay news service Pink News, Kathy Griffin said, “America has got very Jesus-y. And you know Jesus … Jesus didn’t like homosexuals!” She went on to attack American Christians saying, “Well these Christians, they gotta twist everything, its how they are, craaaazy fundamentalists!”

GOD SAVES PARIS!

READ IT HERE!

BOOKING

Hello friends,

I need your help. With the release of "Jesus Needs New PR" in January, I am trying to put together some fall dates that would basically be dubbed the "Jesus Needs New PR" Reading tour. I'm looking for opportunities to read in front of colleges, large bible studies, young adult churches, or basically, wherever else I can find a gathering of 50 or more... I think I'm able to promise you this: whether it's a 30-minute reading or a full 75-90-minute appearance [which of course, is not ALL reading], it will be an entertaining and thoughtful evening [and dang funny] time.

And if not, I'll let you kick me in the shins.

So, if you know of any opportunities for a "reading," please email JesusNeedsNewPR@gmail.com!

Thanks!

SNAKES

My friend Lee traveled the world last year; this is a clip from his time in India.

POPED

ZINGER